Hokey Vintage Parental Catchphrases You May Wish to Employ

Parental catchphrases, of course, are one of the keys to Good Parenting. No doubt you'll come up with your own, but here are some to get you started, inspired by this thread:

• "I didn't know him from a bale of hay."
• "We're off, like a herd of turtles!"
• "Be good. But if you can't be good, be careful!"
• "If size meant anything, a cow could catch a rabbit."
• "He's happier than a mule eating briars."
• "Now we're cooking with gas."
• "Into every life, a little rain must fall."
• "Well, it's better than a kick in the bum."
• "Hold on, Buster Brown, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck!"
• "I see, said the blind man, as he picked up a hammer and saw."
• "It'll never be noticed on a galloping horse."
• "Well, it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
• "Hurryin' up is the mother of screwin' up."
• "You bet your sweet bippy!"

I can't wait to hear what you come up with, and to hear your child tell me--15 years down the road--"Mom always tells me..." and "Dad always says..."

Advice from Amy Vanderbilt

Who better to give you advice on raising your child than Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Ettiquette: A Guide to Gracious Living (1954 edition)? Here are some tips that I am sure you will find helpful, as of course one wishes to get these things correct.

from CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO: THE ADULT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP

THE TREATMENT OF SERVANTS BY CHILDREN

Children usually reflect our own attitude toward our employees, but there are imperious children who attempt to "get away with" things with servants which would never be permitted by their parents. Servants rightly resent the high-handed treatment they get from some children and should be given full permission to cope with it firmly, short of physical punishment. The chauffer should know he may say authoritatively to the son of the house, "Johnny, you may not remove tools from the car's tool chest. If we had a breakdown on the road and the tools weren't available, your father would hold me responsible." The cook should be able to keep her kitchen as inviolate as her usually sensitive nature desires. She can't be expected--unless she is unusually agreeable--to keep an eye on the baby as she prepares dinner. She won't be happy, either, if children pour into her kitchen and congregate there while she's in control, or if they are permitted free access to her supplies. She is responsible for the meals and for the condition of her bailiwick. She must be given full--though reasonable--authority within it.

***

from CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR: AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE

Children may wear white to an audience. A small boy is aceptable in gray with a white shirt, black shoes and socks, black or white gloves, and a black or gray tie, but even in winter a white summer suit for a boy who is not old enough for a tuxedo is quite usual. Girls must cover their heads, too, with white veils or with black veils to match black or white costumes.

***

from CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT: CALLS AND CARDS

CALLING CARDS: THE SIZE AND STYLE OF CARDS

A child's card should be small but follows his elders' in style. Although to some it may seem affected, there are calling cards available for children, literally from birth through college, with the size of the child determining the size of the card.

[...] A girl of two or three may have a card, size 2⅛" x 1⅜", engraved in black and usually reading "Susan Priddy" rather than "Miss Susan Priddy" before the age of fourteen (although the "Miss" is used on mail to her). When she's over sixteen she is "Miss" on cards and uses the same size her mother uses. She never uses a nickname.

Boys' cards are 2½" x 1 3/16" for tiny children, 2 9/16" x 1¼" for those eight to ten or twelve years old, and 2¾" x 1⅜" for prep schoolers with "Master" omitted. Boys in their teens use the full-sized cards that men use. [...]

Small children use their cards to enclose with gifts and flowers but leave them only when paying calls with their parents. They may use them, as their mothers do, for issuing invitations, however, writing their address and phone number and the date of the party.

***

from CHAPTER THIRTEEN: CHRISTENINGS

GODPARENTS AND THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES

[...] Often various friends and relatives invited to the christening bring gifts to the baby, but the godparents always present him with something he can use and perhaps hand down to his own children--a silver porringer, a mug, or a fork, spoon, and pusher set. One of my children received a magnificent engraved Sheffield hot-water plate, fine for keeping his baby food hot but also fine for the time he begins entertaining in his bachelor quarters. The plate will be excellent for hot hors d'oeuvres.

What Will Preeta and Rob's Baby Look Like? (Part II)

The score so far: Technology: 0, Implausibility: 1.

Next up: VW.com's RoutanBabymaker 3000. After uploading photos of Preeta and Rob; calibrating their eye locations and mouth corners and cheekbones; and selecting their ethnicities, we get:

Is it close? We'll have to wait and see!

What Will Preeta and Rob's Baby Look Like? (Part I)

Of course this is what we're all eager to know: what will Baby P-Rob (Probert? Robeeta?) look like? Modern technology has the answers!

Maybe. First up:MakeMeBabies.com,which took a photo of Preeta and a photo of Rob and generated these images:



Hm. Not much resemblance to Preeta and Rob in there, eh? Perhaps we should consult the hospital about a possible mix-up. Or we should consult a better website. To be continued...